Back to When I First Started

It's weird.  I'm staying home sick today, and I was just thinking about the last time I skipped school because I was sick.  And the last time I remember was some time last year, August I think it was.  That was the day I made this blog.

I was sitting in this exact same lounge room, with the exact same slightly feverish nauseous feeling, wearing the exact same pink dressing gown covered in white hearts.  This moment here is reminding me what it felt like to be excited about blogging.

Blogging used to be a bit of an obsession.  I swear I posted almost every single day back when I first started.  I would actively explore the internet, looking for followers.  I'd comment on every post.  I'd leave my URL (not a link, but an actual inconvenient URL).  I even made a bloglovin account and a button swap page, all in that first week.  I'd come home from school everyday, excited to visit my own blog again.  I'd stay online for over an hour after posting, just to see if anyone had read anything.  Blogging practically consumed my mind for a while there.  Every time I did something I would think about how I would blog about it.

I can't imagine putting that much effort in now.  For some reason, down the road, I stopped searching for new blogs and checking up on followers.  I stopped getting excited over every post and planning what I would say next.  This blog became an unappreciated place to visit every now and then.

I'm not too far gone though.  I still love this blog, even 10 months later.  And that's saying something seeing as someone I know once told me most bloggers don't last 6 months.  I have the feeling she thought I'd be one of them.  It's a good thing dabbling isn't really in my nature, and sharing stuff through writing now is.

It's just sad that I don't feel excited anymore.  It's sad that the idea of having complete strangers read and judge my thoughts has become a norm.  In theory, I love the idea of people you would never otherwise encounter knowing a little about you and your life.  The idea that every word they've read that you've reiterated will effect them in some way.  I'm somehow impacting someone just by typing in a laptop all thanks to one sick day.

I just reckon blogging needs to be appreciated again.

This one website in a million is evolving with me.  Looking back at all the posts just 10 months ago makes me realise how much I've changed in such a short time.  And part of that change was due to blogging.

For example, on that sick day back in August 2014, I was obsessed with my phone.  I liked the idea that people were texting me from school while I was sick.  That fact alone made me feel reassured that I made a difference in my friends' every day school life.  Right now my phone's sitting upstairs and I don't feel the urge to check it.  Maybe it's because I've grown closer to my friends, and I know that some of them don't matter as much as others.  It's quality over quantity right?  And with those quality friends, I know I matter without needing to be reassured by lunch time texts.

Last August I wasn't worried about what I was missing out on in class.  I was an arrogant little 14 year old.  I thought I would be able to catch up, no problem.  I wanted to be at school though.  I didn't really enjoy the pleasures of a sick day where you were really only semi-sick.  Now it's the opposite.  Of course I'm worried about what I'm missing out on in class.  That's why I chose today to have a semi-sick rest day.  I knew nothing significant was going on at school today, and I know that if I went, I'd be feeling dreadful tomorrow, which wouldn't be so great for the super difficult maths test.  I can't imagine my 14 year old self thinking super difficult maths tests existed.

She never understood the pleasures of a rest day either.  She was always too busy worrying about what people were doing without her.  I don't think she would've fully appreciated a day where she could watch six hours of the Vampire Diaries, lying on the couch eating a pack of mini m&ms, while all her friends were at school.

I don't think she'd ever thought she would be me in only 10 months.  But I do think she would be proud.  And I'm glad this 10 month change has been somewhat documented right here on this blog, and will continue to be for a long time now.

Love,
M